I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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