Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
