Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
