Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
