You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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