Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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