My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
