I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
