Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize