you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think my fart just growled at me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
