drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
