can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i don't like sucking hair
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
