I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
