is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
