if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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