I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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