I like my sex mixed with concussions.
high people should be assigned attendants
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize