I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
