just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
