I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
