Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
