We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
