Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
