Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
