So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
