god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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