God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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