I heard we made out
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize