If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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