i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
