I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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