also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
