someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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