hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
