i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
