I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
