I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
a search helicopter?!
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
