any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
