if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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