So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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