I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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