How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
