hotel room ftw
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
