turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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