Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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