If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
