I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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