Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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