I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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