that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize