you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
