I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
