My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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