Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
40s are totally the cure
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
