May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
