my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
