i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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