Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
