I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
