I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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