Your mouth is God's brothel.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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