I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
