This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
