Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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