Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
