now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize