I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
