Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
