Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
